TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Huge!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: provide All people a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Trump Tower Damascus Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is that he really should prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function remaining promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after locating the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where guests may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where by my PTSD might have turn-down services."


Yet another article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave all of it three. You are welcome."

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